The Journey (cont)

April 16, 2010

“Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”

 ~Proverbs 37:3-4

I used to think that if you trusted in the Lord, and leaned on Him, etc. that He would then give you the “desires of your heart” as a reward for being faithful.  But I’m coming to learn that if we truly do the first 3 lines of this section of Psalm 37, our desires will no longer be for the selfish things we want, but for the Lord Himself.

O Lord,

You are the fulfillment of my every need.  You gave Your life that I might have everything.  You are everything.  You are all I need.  Help me give up my desires, burn them in the fire of Your love until all that is left is You.  I want to desire You alone.  I want You to fill my life completely.  I want so much of You that I cannot contain You within myself.  I give the desires of my heart to You—namely, a baby and any future family plans.  Burn them until all that is left is You.  I love You, and I want Your love to be enough for me, every minute of every day.  In Your precious Name, Amen.

May 7, 2010

“And God spoke to Moses and said to him: ‘I am the LORD.  I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty, but by My name LORD I was not known to them.  I have also established My covenant with them, to give them the land of Canaan, the land of their pilgrimage, in which they were strangers.  And I have also heard the groaning of the children of Israel whom the Egyptians keep in bondage, and I have remembered My covenant.  Therefore say to the children of Israel: “I am the LORD; I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, I will rescue you from their bondage, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments.  I will take you as My people, and I will be your God.  Then you shall know that I am the LORD your God who brings you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians.  And I will bring you into the land which I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; and I will give it to you as a heritage; I am the LORD”.’  So Moses spoke thus to the children of Israel; but they did not heed Moses, because of anguish of spirit and cruel bondage.”  ~Exodus 6: 2-9

The Israelites were on the verge of an incredible ride with God.  They were about to witness His character in phenomenal ways.  They were just given His personal promise of redemption, yet they were so caught up in their current circumstances that they missed the comfort of God’s hand.  They were gasping for air even though God had just offered them the breath of life.

Am I so focused on me and my life that I miss God’s offer of milk and honey?  He longs to reveal Himself to me, to encourage me, to walk with me.  Am I looking for Him and trusting in Him, or am I just gasping for air?

Lord, I want to know You.  Not just one aspect of You, but You.  Help me to see you in every minute of every day.  May I not miss any revelation of Yourself.  Amen

Interestingly, it was about this time that I spoke with a friend at a baby shower casually about her job.  She works with the foster care system in our State, and she spoke to me about the great need for families to take in these children.  She even somewhat jokingly, somewhat seriously, asked if I would be interested.  If I recall, I gave her an emphatic "No."  Little did I know that God had other plans...

The Journey (cont'd)

March 19, 2010

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.”  ~Genesis 3:7

Adam and Eve became aware and ashamed of their nakedness and took it upon themselves to provide for their perceived need, to cover up their vulnerability.  Without full confidence and belief in God’s love for them, they suddenly felt inadequate and self-conscious and prideful in regards to themselves and each other.  Their thoughts turned inward for the first time.  Without full confidence and belief in God’s love for me, I allow my inadequacies and pride and selfishness to take over.  My thoughts turn inward instead of upward and outward.

In what area of my life do I need to trust in God’s love and move forward? 

                As Ruthie (age 2) pushed her baby stroller, she became so fascinated with her own feet that time after time she would steer the stroller, or rather follow it, off the gravel road and get stuck in the grass.  I kept telling her to look up ahead and watch where she was going.  She would do this for a time and stay on the road, but the temptation to look down would always take over.  Ruthie’s issue was most likely more about being 2 ½ than it was about trusting me, but what about me?  Do I trust God and His ways?  Or do I get fascinated with myself and my ways, steering my life off God’s path and onto rougher terrain?

                Lately, I find myself like Ruthie, bouncing back and forth between walking confidently in God’s path, bumpy as it may be, trusting in His love and desire for my good, and turning my focus inward, allowing doubts and questions and desires to cloud my vision and turn my steps to more halting terrain.  Most of these doubts and desires have to do with our “family plan.”  Why am I 33 with only 1 child?  Why a miscarriage?  Why not more children?  Why?  Why?  Why?  But when I go down that road I find it is no road at all, but a dead end.  And I hear the voice of my Father saying, “Trust Me.  I love you.  My plans for you are good and full of hope.”  And I turn back toward His love and His path and keep my head up and find that I am surrounded by beauty—birds singing, trees sprouting leaves, blue sky, warm sun.  The road is bumpy, yes, but it is good, and it has a future.

Lord, help me to stay on Your path of love.  Do not let me get distracted by my own selfish desires, and thus follow my own false path.  Amen.

The Journey

In March of this year, Dave and I spent 24 hours in an introductory training class for foster care and adoption through the State of Oregon.  At the end of this month, or at the beginning of August, we will be meeting with our adoption caseworker to start the process of adopting a foster child or children.  The journey that brought us to this point began almost exactly two years prior.  The Lord began to take the broken vessel of my heart, and create something new.  Gently, lovingly, He drew my focus away from myself and my own desires that I thought were good, to the truth of His love and His great plan.  I’d like to share some of that journey with you.  Not so that you can applaud me, for my heart is human and still fills with fear and selfishness, but so that you can applaud the God who can take a selfish heart, fill it with His love, and turn it into something He can use.

Keep in mind as you read, that the idea of adoption doesn’t even enter into my mind as a possibility until October of 2010.  The frustration and confusion of not being able to conceive more children is an ever-present shadow in my thoughts, but as I look back over my prayers and journal entries, I see God beginning to press the idea into my heart that it is not the plan that matters, or the circumstances, only Him.  Do I know Him, do I believe in His love, and do those things change the way I live my life?

March 12, 2010

“And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.”  ~Genesis 2:7

If I am made with the breath of God, how does it smell?  Am I breathing Him in?  Am I breathing Him out?  What does it look like to breathe Him out?

Holy Father,

Please breathe on me.  Fill me with Your life.  May every breath in be of You and every breath out be from You.  I want to breathe You deeply.  I want to be close enough to You that I can feel and smell Your breath.  Reveal Yourself to me and then please show me how to breathe You out to others.  Make it as obvious and yet as natural as breathing.  Give me new life in You.  Amen.