Treasured Desire

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” Matthew 13:44

“Now as He was going out on the road, one came running, knelt before Him, and asked Him, ‘Good Teacher, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?’ 

So Jesus said to him, ‘Why do you call me good?  No one is good but One, that is God.  You know the commandments…’

And he answered and said to Him, ‘Teacher, all these things I have kept from my youth.’

Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, ‘One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.’

But he was sad at this word, and went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.”   Mark 10:17-22

It is easy to hypothesize and think that I would give up everything I have for an extremely valuable treasure.  If I knew I was buying the winning lottery ticket, could I not give everything to have it, knowing that my gain would be worth far more than my loss?  But what if everything I have equals everything I want?  What if I have to give up the things, the dreams, the desires I’ve been holding onto with all my might, all my life?  And what if those things, or those dreams, or those desires are good?  Suddenly I find myself relating more to the Rich Young Ruler, and less to the man who sells everything to buy the buried treasure.  He knows with all his educated intellect that Jesus holds the key to eternal life, to treasure unimaginable.  And yet how does he rectify this knowledge with his desire to have what he wants.  Jesus tells him the answer, and implies the question: Do you believe I am God?  And if Jesus is God, then He is good.  And if He is good, then His directives are good.  Give up everything for Me.  Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

            My heart, for so long, has been focused on having children, multiple children.  That has always seemed a good and godly thing to me, but after two and a half years of trying to have a second child, I sit here lost and floundering with the thought that God might actually have a different plan for my life, and am I willing to accept that?  Am I willing to give up my dream to allow myself to be open to His?  Is Jesus truly my treasure?  If He is, then what do I lack?  If He’s not, then what do I have?  The way I thought my life should be has been a great possession to me, a great dream, a great desire.  I never saw myself in the Rich Young Ruler before, but right now, I have to admit that I feel a bit sad and sorrowful at the thought of giving up what I’ve always wanted.  I know in my head that Jesus’ plans for me are better than mine, but I’m having a hard time holding onto that in my heart.

Father,

You are the only truly good thing, and all things come through You, by You and are for You.  Show me how to make You the only thing in my life.  Show me how to make You my treasure.  Burn away my desires until all that is left is You.  I want to give up everything; I want to give You everything I have.  Show me where to go from here.  Be king of my life; make my heart Your kingdom.  Rule and reign and defeat anything that is not of You.  I believe You are God, and I believe You are good.  Help me to be strong in You; defeat my tendency to fall back to my own desires.  Empty me, and fill me with You.  Show me what I can do for You.  Use me for Your glory.  I give You my desire for more children—take it from me.  Free me to be whomever You choose, to do whatever You choose.  Light my path; show me the way.   Give me clarity of purpose.  Walk with me, step by step…

Amen.