“The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.”
Psalm 145:18-19
We are quickly approaching the three year mark of trying to get pregnant, unsuccessfully. Up until this point, every time I asked the Lord if we should be doing something “more” I heard the same answer: Wait. In the waiting, I have vacillated between confidence in the Lord’s word to me and second guessing my hearing Him correctly. I have wavered between giving over my desire to Him, knowing that in His love, He only desires good for me, and holding onto my desire so tightly there is no room for anything else.
Recently, someone told me about a doctor in an integrative medical clinic. This clinic has both medical doctors and naturopathic doctors working together to give their patients the best of both worlds. The head naturopathic doctor also specializes in hormonal imbalance issues. It seemed like the perfect place to start getting some answers. After all, what harm could there be in at least finding out if there was something wrong. So, I made an appointment, and waited the 3 or 4 months for that day to arrive. During that time, I questioned whether I had made the right decision. I know that if there was something wrong, God could fix it if He wanted to; He made my body and is in control of how it’s working. But, on the other hand, He also gave us educated people to help heal and correct things that have gone wrong. Again, I found myself going back and forth. Every time I sought God on the issue, I came back with silence. So I kept my appointment.
That appointment was last week. They asked me a bunch of questions, then sent me home with a list of blood labs to be done the following week, this week. I felt excited at the possibility of getting some answers, finally. The day before going to get my blood drawn, I decided I’d better call the lab and get an idea of how much this was going to cost, since we hadn’t paid anything out on our deductible this year. When I hung up from that phone call, I felt as if a door had just slammed in my face. The labs totaled almost $800. I fell asleep that night crying out to God for an answer, for some sort of guidance, for anything; I needed to hear from Him.
The next day I called the doctor’s office, and the receptionist told me to check out a website that offered discounted lab work. I went right away to my sister’s house to get online, patiently searched out each individual lab test, and discovered that it would save us a whopping $50. My heart sank. I decided to check my email, since I was already online and found a forwarded devotional from my mom. The subject line said “Divine Delays,” and the Scripture at the top was Psalm 145: 18-19: “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.” The text of the devotional had little to do with me or my situation, but that subject line combined with those verses was like a loud shout from the Lord, an answer to my prayer from the night before. “I am right here,” He was saying, “I hear you. Trust in Me.”
Whether He will fulfill my desire for another child, I do not know. But I do know He sees me, and I do know He loves me, and for whatever reason, He’s asking me to wait and to trust in Him. But with my God, that doesn’t mean waiting empty-handed, but rather with my arms fully wrapped around a Father who hears my cry and offers the fullness of Himself to all who call upon Him.
“Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!”
~Psalm 27:14
Father,
Thank you for hearing my prayer. Thank you for speaking to my soul. Give me courage, and strengthen my heart as I wait on You.
Amen.
