Divine Delays

“The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,

To all who call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;

He also will hear their cry and save them.”

Psalm 145:18-19

            We are quickly approaching the three year mark of trying to get pregnant, unsuccessfully.  Up until this point, every time I asked the Lord if we should be doing something “more” I heard the same answer: Wait.  In the waiting, I have vacillated between confidence in the Lord’s word to me and second guessing my hearing Him correctly.  I have wavered between giving over my desire to Him, knowing that in His love, He only desires good for me, and holding onto my desire so tightly there is no room for anything else. 

            Recently, someone told me about a doctor in an integrative medical clinic.  This clinic has both medical doctors and naturopathic doctors working together to give their patients the best of both worlds.  The head naturopathic doctor also specializes in hormonal imbalance issues.  It seemed like the perfect place to start getting some answers.  After all, what harm could there be in at least finding out if there was something wrong.  So, I made an appointment, and waited the 3 or 4 months for that day to arrive.  During that time, I questioned whether I had made the right decision.  I know that if there was something wrong, God could fix it if He wanted to; He made my body and is in control of how it’s working.  But, on the other hand, He also gave us educated people to help heal and correct things that have gone wrong.  Again, I found myself going back and forth.  Every time I sought God on the issue, I came back with silence.  So I kept my appointment.

            That appointment was last week.  They asked me a bunch of questions, then sent me home with a list of blood labs to be done the following week, this week.  I felt excited at the possibility of getting some answers, finally.  The day before going to get my blood drawn, I decided I’d better call the lab and get an idea of how much this was going to cost, since we hadn’t paid anything out on our deductible this year.  When I hung up from that phone call, I felt as if a door had just slammed in my face.  The labs totaled almost $800.  I fell asleep that night crying out to God for an answer, for some sort of guidance, for anything; I needed to hear from Him.

            The next day I called the doctor’s office, and the receptionist told me to check out a website that offered discounted lab work.  I went right away to my sister’s house to get online, patiently searched out each individual lab test, and discovered that it would save us a whopping $50.  My heart sank.  I decided to check my email, since I was already online and found a forwarded devotional from my mom.  The subject line said “Divine Delays,” and the Scripture at the top was Psalm 145: 18-19:  “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.  He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.”  The text of the devotional had little to do with me or my situation, but that subject line combined with those verses was like a loud shout from the Lord, an answer to my prayer from the night before.  “I am right here,” He was saying, “I hear you.  Trust in Me.”

            Whether He will fulfill my desire for another child, I do not know.  But I do know He sees me, and I do know He loves me, and for whatever reason, He’s asking me to wait and to trust in Him.  But with my God, that doesn’t mean waiting empty-handed, but rather with my arms fully wrapped around a Father who hears my cry and offers the fullness of Himself to all who call upon Him.

“Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord!”

~Psalm 27:14

Father,

            Thank you for hearing my prayer.  Thank you for speaking to my soul.  Give me courage, and strengthen my heart as I wait on You.

                                                                        Amen.

Peace to You

            Lately, when my 3 ½-year-old daughter first wakes up in the morning, she patters into the living room, climbs into my lap and curls up there.  I wrap my arms around her and we just sit and breathe.  In those few brief moments, when everything is still, I close my eyes and am filled with the peace and joy and love that comes from her just being there, from us just being together. 

            It was during one of those moments, that the impact of this week’s Bible study lesson hit me.  We were to read about Jesus’ ascension into heaven from all four Gospels, and then also read John 14.  Suddenly I found myself enveloped in the embrace of the Father, curled up in His lap, soaking up His love, and realizing that His desire is for me to be there, with Him, in complete peace. 

            In My Father’s house are many mansions…I go to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also (John 14:2-3).

            I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you (14:18).

            Because I live, you will live also.  At that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you (14:19-20).

            If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him (14:23).

            The God of the Universe wants to be with me, wants to hold me, wants to make His home with me, and Jesus Christ, His Son, died, and defeated death in order to make this possible.

            Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (14:27).

            When Ruthie is curled up in my lap, she is not troubled, or afraid.  She knows I will make her breakfast and take care of her needs; she knows I love her and will always love her.  In John 14, Jesus promises the disciples His peace.  In John 20, after He has conquered death itself, He appears to His disciples again, and the first words out of His mouth?  “Peace be with you” (20: 19).  He has come back from the dead, back to life, and joyfully offers us His peace.  Jesus continually rested in the strength of His Father, completely confident in His ability to take care of all things, completely aware of His Father’s love for Him.  Jesus went to the cross to make us His brothers and sisters, to offer us a place on His Father’s lap, a place of peace and confidence and security.  Why do I think the God who created this very world might not be able to handle my problems?  Why do I allow fears and troubles to creep in and cloud my view of His love?  Why do I spend so little time curled up in His lap, just sitting there, breathing in the very presence of Him and resting in the solidity of a relationship He died to give me? 

           

            Father,

                        You have proved time and time again that You are God, that You are real, that You are Love and, amazingly, that You long for my embrace.  Help me to put aside the cares of this world in order that I might curl up in Your lap of peace and strength and security.  May I be so close to You that my ear hears the beat of Your heart. 

                                                                                                Amen. 

Can I Recognize God?

            This morning (March 9^th) it felt like Spring.  It was 50º outside, there was just a touch of blue in the distant corner of the sky, and for the first time in a long time my daughter and I went for a walk without our winter coats. 

            “I hear the birds!” Ruthie exclaimed with excitement once we’d passed our rushing creek, full with melting snow.

            “Yeah, they’re singing; they’re excited because Spring is coming.”  I hadn’t noticed them before, but now their chorus filled my ears.  I am always so grateful to be drawn in to the delighted eyes and ears of my 3 ½ year old; she notices so much and draws my attention to all the little things that I would otherwise miss.

            As we walked on, I felt awake and new to the joys of this beautiful earth.  Every step felt invigorating.  When we were nearing home, God reminded me of a conversation Ruthie and I had a few days ago.  She had expressed frustration that she couldn’t see God, and as it was bedtime, I had simply stated that He was everywhere and left it at that.  But now, out in Creation, it was clearly evident that God was, indeed, everywhere.

            “Look, Ruthie!  Everywhere we look, we can see God.  Everything we see tells us about Him.”

            She smiled and began looking around with anticipation on her face.  I gave her an example:

            “I see God in the road we’re walking on, because He leads us in the way we should go.  And I see God in our home, because in it we are safe, just like we’re safe in God.  Where do you see God?”

            “I see God in that bird,” she offered.

            “Yes,” I said, “because God lifts us up on wings like a bird.”

            “It’s a robin!”
            “We can see God in the robin, because a robin tells us that Spring is coming, and in God, all things are made new.”

            “I see God in the puddles,” she said with a big smile.

            “Yes, because stomping in the puddles brings us joy, and so does God!”

            We went on like this for some time, Ruthie pointing out every little thing she saw, and me doing my best to point out God in each thing.  It wasn’t until she pointed out our burn pile, which is currently burning, that I thought about this week’s lesson for my Bible study.

            “I see God in our burn pile.”

            “Because God is like the fire, burning away all that is bad, or that isn’t needed, or that isn’t of Him.”  I don’t know how that translated into her 3-year-old mind, but I know how it hit mine.  Our lesson this week was on the crucifixion of Jesus.  I’d read the story in all four Gospels for three mornings in a row.  I’d been praying for something new, for God to open my eyes to something I hadn’t seen before.  It wasn’t until I read Luke 23 in the Amplified version that God answered my prayer.  To set the scene, the sky had turned black.  The earth trembled.  And Jesus had just died:

            “Now the centurion, having seen what had taken place, recognized God and thanked and praised Him…” (verse 47).

            Ruthie and I had been recognizing God in all the beauty of creation, but what about the burn pile?  What about the smoke and ashes?  What about destruction?  What about when everything seems to be going wrong?  What about when the thing I wanted is out of reach, or burned up, can I still find God?  Can I still recognize Him?  And even more than recognize Him, can I thank and praise Him? 

            Jesus lived on this earth in order that we might know the Truth, the God who loves and treasures us; He died to set us free to love Him in return.  If I look to my circumstances, life can be overwhelming when things don’t go my way, but if I look to the truth of a God who died for the love of me, and rose again so that I might live with Him forever, what can I do but thank and praise Him?   In the middle of a broken world that doesn’t always seem to go right, I pray I can still see God, and know that He is still in control, and that out of the ashes comes life and love and trust in a God whose heart burns for me.

            Holy Father,

                        Help me to be like the centurion and recognize You in all things, whether good or bad, beautiful or ugly.  And in seeing You, may I glorify You and bear witness to the Truth of who You are: King of my life, King of all.

                        Amen.

Lost My Focus

I have my best quiet times in the morning.  If I try to do it any other time during the day, it rarely happens.  So, if I get out of bed by 5:45, I have enough time to make my husband’s sandwich for his lunch, eat my breakfast, and spend some time in the Word until my daughter wakes up.  This is great, but recently my husband hasn’t had to get up as early, which means I haven’t been getting up as early, which means my quiet times have hardly begun before they’re interrupted with, “Mommy, can I get up now?”  Add to this, the trauma of my recent decision to join a writer’s group through my church.  What was I thinking?  I now have to have something to read in front of seven strangers by Sunday.  Ever since I went to the first informational meeting a week and a half ago, my mind has been completely wiped clean of any creative inspiration whatsoever.  I most often write out of what God speaks to me during my quiet times, but, as I’ve already mentioned, those times have been, well, quiet.  Gulp.  Panic. 

Why don’t You help me, Lord?  Why aren’t You speaking to me?  Here I am flailing, and I get nothing.  Maybe I’m not supposed to be a writer.  Obviously I don’t have what it takes; as soon as a deadline flashes, fear sets in. 

I turned to Psalm 5, feeling the cry of David in my own soul:

Listen to my words, O Lord, give heed to my sighing and groaning.  Hear the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to You do I pray.  In the morning You hear my voice, O Lord; in the morning I prepare [a prayer, a sacrifice] for You and watch and wait [for You to speak to my heart] (verses 1-3, Amplified).

Oh.  It seems I’ve been forgetting one vital piece of the puzzle.  I’ve been sighing and groaning and crying for the Lord to speak to me, but have I prepared myself for Him?  Have I sacrificed my sleep and my warm bed to make time to listen?  Have I set aside my own agenda of wanting something brilliant to share with my writing group to really hear what the Lord wants to speak to my heart?  I think not. 

Dear Father,

            Forgive me for coming to You selfishly, for desiring Your words in order to impress others.  Forgive me for worshipping the goddess of sleep more than You.  I want to make preparation now for my sacrifice in the morning.  When my alarm rings, help my feet to hit the floor.  Speak to my heart in the quiet cold of our home so that I might know You more.

Amen.

What's in a Name?

A few days late for Valentine’s Day…

Last Fall, I went with a friend and our children to visit our old college.  As part of our visit, she had arranged to meet up with an English professor from whom we’d both taken classes.  After a brief visit with him, we made our way down the Humanities Office hallway.  It was a familiar place that brought back many memories from so many years ago.  I walked slowly, reading the names on the doors to see if there were any other professors still there that I recognized; my friend and her children ran on ahead.  As I reached the end of the hall, I made brief eye contact with a professor that I’d had for a few classes.  I smiled, but continued walking, assuming he wouldn’t remember me all these 12 years later.  But just as I passed him, he called out, his finger in the air, obviously trying to remember my name.  He was struggling, so I helped him out, “Tiffany.”  Immediately, he responded with my maiden name.  We talked for just a minute or two, I introduced him to my daughter, and then I was on my way again.  But for the rest of the day, I found myself reveling in the fact that he had remembered me, and not only remembered me, but remembered my name.  

        As I was trying to think about what to write for Valentine’s Day, this story came to mind.  Don’t we all want to be remembered on Valentine’s Day?  Think about all those years in grade school, exchanging valentines with friends and classmates.  No one wants to get left out, and even more, we all want a valentine with our name on the front.  There’s nothing special about a blank envelope, no matter how bulging it is with candy hearts.   Without a name on the front, it holds no meaning.  The significance of names was something Jesus knew and didn’t take lightly.  A name to Jesus seemed to signify a person’s character, a person’s true heart.  That’s why, sometimes, when people completely turned their lives around, he gave them a new name.  Simon, meaning “shifting sand” became Peter, “a stone”.  Saul, “requested one” became Paul, “humble.”  But He doesn’t always change names, sometimes He just calls people by name and reminds them who they were really meant to be.  In my Friday morning Bible study, we recently read the story of Zacchaeus.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the story, Zacchaeus was a tax collector who was in the habit of cheating people to make himself rich.  No one liked him, for good reason.  But when Jesus came through town, He walked right up to Zacchaeus, who had climbed a tree in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Jesus as He passed by, and called him by name.  This may seem insignificant to most of us, other than the fact that Jesus knew his name, but I have a feeling that is was very significant for Zacchaeus.  The name Zacchaeus means “pure.”  Now Zacchaeus’ actions up until this point were anything but pure; he certainly wasn’t living up to his name.  But I bet there was something about the way Jesus said his name.  He had this way of seeing straight through to a person’s heart, of seeing them for who they were meant to be.  When He called Zacchaeus out of that tree by name, I think Zacchaeus felt the weight of who Jesus was calling him to be and was filled with the hope that he could really be “Pure.”

        What if I did the same thing?  What if, when I send my husband off to work in the morning, or when I put his dirty socks in the laundry, I don’t just call him Dave, but “Beloved; Greatly Loved”?  What if, as I’m asking Ruthie to pick up her toys or remember her manners, I call her “Faithful Companion; Friend”?  Am I training her up to be that, or to just do what she’s told?  When I call my friends on the phone, I might be talking to “Blessed One” or “Helper of Humanity.”  How might I treat them differently?  How might my attitude change toward those that I love?  And how might the affirmation of hearing one’s name rightly spoken, of attaching true meaning to something so personal, affect those with whom I come into contact?  A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, this is true, but would anyone take the time to smell a rose if we called it a skunk cabbage?  Jesus called people by name, and loved them for who they truly were.  He still does.  

This Valentine’s Day, whether you received a valentine or not, know that the God who made your heart also knows your name.  And as you hear your name spoken, I pray your heart hears the voice of the One who knows you and calls you by that name.  And when He calls, “I pray that you… may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”  ~Ephesians 3:17-19

Am I Missing the Party?

          I noticed something new this week in the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  Tucked into the beginning of the story is a small little word that opens the door to a whole new level of meaning, at least for me.  After the younger son demands his inheritance now, verse 12 of Luke 15 says, “So [the father] divided to them his livelihood” (emphasis mine).  Them.  He didn’t just give to the younger son, but he gave the older son his inheritance as well.  If I’m remembering right, the older son, by tradition, would have received a double portion.  And yet, why at the end of the story do we find the older brother pouting in a corner because his father never gave him anything?  In verse 28, the father pleads with his older son to join the party, to experience the joy.  But the son refuses, and instead chooses to hold onto his pride, his bitterness, his selfishness and turns a blind eye to all that is available to him.  “Son,” the father says, “you are always with me, and all that I have is yours” (verse 31).

            How often is my behavior like the older son?  Am I so self-focused that I’m blind to the joy and blessing I’ve been given?  “Daughter,” my Father says, “all that I have is yours.”  In just the first chapter of Ephesians alone, we find that our Father has “…blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ…having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ Himself….In Him we have redemption…forgiveness…the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us…made known to us the mystery of His will….”  And “in Him also we have obtained an inheritance…were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise…the guarantee of our inheritance” (Ephesians 1:3-14).  And that’s just 12 verses out of an entire Bible of blessing. 

            The Father, the God of the Universe, has lavished His grace on me and blessed me with every spiritual blessing.  Am I living like that’s true?  Is my life a reflection of His gift, or am I sitting in the corner with my arms folded, pouting about the particulars of the party, or because I didn’t get something I thought I should.  I pray my eyes are open from now on to what I have, to what I’ve been given, to the freedom of being a daughter of the Most High God, showered with the inheritance of His love.

Father,

            Please give me the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the deep and intimate knowledge of You.  Flood the eyes of my heart with light so that I can know and understand the hope to which You have called me as well as the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of Your power in me and for me.  May my life be full of the joy and love that comes from a true understanding of You and my position as your daughter. (from Ephesians 1: 17-19, Amplified Bible)

            Amen.

Just A Note...

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